My Readers Lie

I made a post to keep track of who saw my blog post. It was a test, which one of you failed. Just so you know, i have a graph that shows me what you clicked, when you clicked it, how many times you went to the site, how long you where there, and which posts you saw. 1 Person saw that post and didn’t comment… i know who you are

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Xtranormal.com

I recently started using this website. It’s fun and i like it.

That’s the kind of insight that my blog readers keep coming back for.

Ye, Blog Readers! Make Yourself Known!

I’m taking note of how many people look at my blog. Please comment below if you saw this post. I’m begging you. I’m typing this on my freaking knees.

Hygienists, Scalpels, And Gums, Oh My!

Today i went to the dentist’s office for my monthly (more or less) check up. Everything was going normal till i got there. That’s when i saw that the hygienist i usually get checked by wasn’t there. Turns out she relocated to an office in Cleveland. I was very sad, because unlike most doctors, i actually LIKED my hygienist. I thought to myself, “Oh well…. A hygienist is a hygienist, right?” Wrong. I went to the torture chair they make you sit in at the dentist and relaxed, waiting for my new hygienist to come. And in walks Satan. She bends back the chair till i’m exceedingly uncomfortable, and starts poking me repeatedly with her Pitchfork (a.k.a, scalpel). She then precedes to tell me that i need to brush my gums better because they’re bleeding. Well DUH! That’s what tends to happen when you poke them repeatedly! Don’t need a stinkin’ degree to know that ya’ idiot! But i kept my cool. “Ok…” i said, dreading the rest of the appointment.

She then told me to open my mouth. I obeyed, being the one without the sharp thingiemajig. I was rudely squirted with water i wasn’t prepared for. Having the catlike reflexes that i do, i quickly slammed my mouth closed. Not one of my better ideas… Water kept squirting me. But this time, instead of going in my mouth, it went all over my face, and shirt. “Look what you did!” she said. “Sorry” i replied. After Satan was done touching my face she told me i could go. (Thank god)!

I went to get something out of the toy box, and she stared at me. I think she was making sure i didn’t take more than one thing. I don’t really know how to close up this post, so i’m going to try something new…

Bye

The Darkness of My Blog Is Sickening

My earlier post was titled “Conversations in my head”. I just want you to know I actually have conversations like that in my head, and it wasn’t just a cheap idea for my blog. I take pride in the fact that every one of my posts is legit. Anyway…. I just read my post, and I realized.. man…. that was dark! That leads me to this warning…. shine a flashlight when you read my blog….. because it’s really freaking dark

Conversations in my head:

“You should tell her”

“You should shut up. I know what I’m doing.”

“Don’t blame me when it happens then…”

“What’s that supposed to mean!?!”

“You know what it means… You just lost her…”

“AAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!”

bang

suicide has been justified

‘Potato Boy Advice Book’ so far

Potato Boy’s Advice For Life

BY:

POTATO BOY (with a little help from Bishop Moore)

DEDICATED TO PEOPLE WHO PARK IN PARKING LOTS AND TAKE UP TWO WHOLE SPOTS. I HATE YOU.

Dear, readers. As you may know from the “Potato Boy” strips, “Potato Boy” has some pretty good advice. I have taken it upon myself to share this advice with all of you. Although most of this advice is very valuable, some of it is very violent and/or rude. Before you start reading this, i want you to take a look at yourself and make sure you are mentally prepared for this advice.

READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

CHAPTER 1)

How To Make Friends

(Written As “Potato Boy”)

Hello idiots! It’s time to learn you, (because you obviously need it)….. I will start out this chapter by beginning with the basics, then moving on to more complicated material as i progress through the chapter.

SECTION 1. FOR LOSERS

  1. First, before all you ******* go around trying to make you your little friends: You must find out one thing. Does anybody even like you? If not, you have absolutely no chance at making any friends. Unless…. you make people like you. If that’s the case, then i suggest chinese water torture, as that is one of my personal favorites. Another one of my personal favorites is tying them to a tree, hitting them repeatedly with a stick and calling them names until they cry their ******* eyes out. You can then pick up their eyes and sell them on the internet. Another way to make people like you is to make a bunch of money, and buy them stuff until they like you. But like everything else, that has a consequence…. you will be popular. THIS CONCLUDES SECTION 1. FOR LOSERS.

SECTION 2. FOR NORMALS

2)Hello normals. I appreciated your patience while i was talking to all the losers. Now… Before i get into complicated material, i must ask you a question. If your normal shouldn’t you have friends? The answer to that question is yes. You know what this means don’t you? This means that you are just as much a ******* loser as anyone else. Please go back to SECTION 1. FOR LOSERS. THIS CONCLUDES SECTION 2. FOR NORMALS.

SECTION 3. HOW TO BECOME NORMAL

  1. I will start out this section on how to be normal, by making a top 5 list of what normal people do, and don’t do.

  1. Normal people pay the cashier when they buy food.

Normal people do not kick the cashier in the shins, take the money in the cash register, and call them a big fat ****** ******* **** head.

  1. Normal people, when encountered with another normal person, say “How do you do?”

Normal people do not go up to that person,  call them satan, and steal their soul.

  1. Normal people drink their coffee in the morning.

Normal people do not take their coffee in their hands and scream because they burned their tongue.

  1. Normal people, when swimming, go to the bathroom BEFORE swimming.

Normal people do not go up to the skimmers and take a ****.

  1. Normal people walk their dog in the yard if they have to go to the bathroom.

Normal people do not walk their dog down to their neighbors house, break in and let their dog crap on their neighbors couch. THIS CONCLUDES CHAPTER 1.

CHAPTER 2)

How To Lose Friends

(written as “Potato Boy”)

SECTION 1. HOW TO GET RID OF DUMB FRIENDS

1) Alright…. In the previous chapter, i taught you how to make friends. You may be thinking “Oh I’m so happy! I have friends! YAY! YAY!” Well you know what? Shut the ****** ******* **** up, because even having friends makes difficulties. What if you don’t like your friends? What if your friends are stupid? What if your friends are fat? You may be thinking, “Oh no! i don’t want to hurt their feelings… But i don’t want to be their friend anymore. What should i do?”

Well the answer to that question is quite simple. Tell them that your parents have died and that you have to go to their funeral. Your friends (being nice) will say, “Oh! I’m so sorry! Let me come to the funeral too!” You must answer this by telling them, “Thank you. The funeral is in alaska.” Give them false directions to a fake cemetery, and let them freeze to death in the polar regions of this cruel, cruel world. THIS CONCLUDES SECTION 1. HOW TO GET RID OF DUMB FRIENDS.

SECTION 2. HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS LESS DUMB.

2) In the previous section of this chapter, i told you how to get rid of dumb friends. Now I’m going to tell you how to make them smarter  than they are now, so you don’t have to freeze them to death in Alaska. But before i get into it, i just want to let you know that once an idiot always an idiot. Please freeze your idiots. THIS CONCLUDES SECTION 2. HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS LESS DUMB.

SECTION 3. HOW TO MAKE FUN OF IDIOTS.

  1. One of my favorite ways to make fun of idiots is your mama jokes. Your mama’s so stupid that your dad left her. Your mama’s so retarded that she had you. Your mama’s so cheap, that she wanted a picture of you so she nailed you to the wall. Your mama’s so fat that when she goes tap dancing it’s more like thump dancing. Another great way to make fun of idiots is to make fun of their appearance. This is funny because most losers are ugly too. If you don’t believe me, try this: Go up to a mirror, look at it, and pick up the pieces when you break it. THIS CONCLUDES SECTION 2. HOW TO MAKE FUN OF IDIOTS.

SECTION 4. HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS GIVE YOU FREE STUFF.

3)If you have friends, then it’s obvious you want a little something out of the deal. And let me just tell you, there’s nothing wrong with that. You see…. We all like certain people just because of the things that they have, or the clothes that they wear. It’s only natural to want some of those things for yourself. The only problem with that is, sometimes people are selfish and don’t want to give you anything. If that’s the case then you have a real problem…. But like all the other problems that have occurred in this book, i can solve it. It’s quite simple really….. All you have to do is commit crime, and frame someone you don’t like. i call that a “Double qwabamie”. THIS CONCLUDES CHAPTER 2

CHAPTER 3)

How To Break Up With Your Boy/Girl Friend In Under Ten Seconds

(Written as “Potato Boy”)

SECTION 1. HOW TO BREAK UP WITH YOUR BOY/GIRL FREIND IN UNDER TEN SECONDS.

This chapter is on how to dump your boy/girl friend. But before i get into the more complicated material, you have to ask yourself, “Are they even my boy/girl friend or do they just like me for my money”. The answer to that question is probably money. That means that they are a Gold-digger. You got played for a fool, fool. Die in a hole. THIS CONCLUDES SECTION 1. HOW TO BREAK UP WITH YOUR BOY/GIRL FRIEND IN UNDER TEN SECONDS.

SECTION 2. WHY YOU WOULD WANT TO.

I will give a top 5 list of why you would want to break up with your boy/girl friend.

  1. People are idiots.
  2. Big idiots.
  3. Humongous idiots.
  4. giganourmasatasticly huge idiots
  5. So i can have them. THIS CONCLUDES CHAPTER 3.

chapter 4)

How To Avoid Waiting For Stuff

(Written As “Potato Boy”)

SECTION 1. LINES ARE FOR MORONS.

Have you ever wanted something really bad, and you are anticipating the moment when you will receive the item that you want. So you get in your car, and you’re on the way to the store that sells the specific item you want. You arrive at the store just to see that there are a ton of people already waiting in line. I bet you were very upset. If you try to cut, people will just tell you to be patient. But there’s one problem with that. Patience costs $4.95. Who has that kind of money!!! I know the answer to that question…. No one. That’s why, for only $4.94 i will sell something completely useless and claim that it will make you fly over lines like magic. If you call now, i will throw in a handgun for when you figure out it doesn’t work and you decide to end your sad excuse for a life. And i’m not done, Folks! If you’re not completely satisfied with your results, then bite me, moron. THIS CONCLUDES SECTION 1. LINES ARE FOR MORONS.

SECTION 2. PATIENCE.

I wise man once said, “Speak softly, and carry a big stick.” That man was a pervert. That man also believed in patience. I can think of a lot of wise people that didn’t believe in patience.

  1. Adolf Hitler
  2. Richard Nixon
  3. Fidel Castro
  4. Sudam Husane
  5. Osama Bin Laden

Those were some of America’s greatest pioneers in non-patience. They are all famous for different things. Hitler was famous for his special sandwiches, and his slogan for drugs: “Do them. They are kkkkkkkkkk-good.” Richard was a famous dress maker, and Fidel was famous for starting the ‘Nike’ company. Sudam and Osama were Homo-Sexual, and ended up moving to San Fransisco, California.

Ok this is as far as I’ve gotten. Give me a review, but don’t be too harsh. I might cry